We’re all in this together

Rebooting is a biweekly newsletter about how we can use technology to take better care of ourselves.

Note: As I mentioned last time, we’ve now got a second home over at Wirecutter, and the first column can be found here.

Much like an ex who casually barges back into your life just as you thought the dust had settled, panic attacks don’t care where you are, what you’re doing, or how good you’re feeling when they bulldoze into your day.

I’ve struggled with anxiety for most of my life, but it typically manifested in the form of feeling anxious when my friends text me something like “hey I have a question,” and then don’t follow up for 10 minutes, or having to leave a party early because the number of people there was too overwhelming. My first panic attack, however, happened in August after the most challenging nine months life has ever handed me. I was walking down the street with my friends, eating tasty food and laughing at silly jokes; it was a much needed good day. After chowing down on some pasta, my breath kept getting harder to catch. Somewhere along our walk, I felt ready to collapse. When I finally sat down, my heart started racing, my chest felt like there were claws digging into it, I could barely see two inches in front of me and my legs and hands went numb. I was sure I was having a heart attack.

I spent the next 10 hours in the hospital being monitored (read: being assured every 45 minutes that the doctor would “be in shortly”) to check that it wasn’t anything life-threatening. It was soothing to know that my heart wasn’t failing, but that didn’t alleviate the crushing pain following the realization that this will be with me for life. At any moment, my mind can hijack my body and throw me back into that state of paralysis and shock. Even walking my dogs felt like walking down an ever-increasing hallway with a blindfold on.

My now-girlfriend and I had barely wrapped up our fourth date when my attack hit, and nobody wants to hear “I’m stoked to go bowling tonight but heads up, at any second I could start acting like I’m having a heart attack” from a guy they barely know. My friends were there for me as much as they could be, but none of them suffer from the particularly delightful cocktail of mental health struggles that I do; it’s hard to feel heard sometimes.

My next therapy appointment wasn’t for a few days after getting out of the hospital, but I couldn’t keep myself locked up in my apartment alone just to feel safe. I needed someone who understood what was happening; I needed to feel seen.

Turning to Reddit for advice can end up bearing either rotten or tasty fruits, depending on what corners of the site you’re exploring. Seeking solidarity the morning after my attack, I opened up the Reddit app and searched “panic attack” to find out if it was truly the culprit of my body imploding.

All the comments across every thread on /r/anxiety reflected the same sentiment: each panic attack feels like the first, and it’s incredibly hard to talk yourself out of the feeling that your heart is about to give out on you. The more I dug, the safer and more understood I felt. “Panic attacks for me are just sitting in silence with a poker face, while my heart beats uncontrollably fast and thoughts race,” one Redditor wrote, “It feels like you’re about to cry constantly.” I’d spent years thinking that was some inherent personality trait I’d never shake, and while it didn’t cure anything, knowing other people struggled with it too brought me a bit of comfort.

That comfort was enough to make me feel safe in the moment, but I still needed some security and a plan of action for whenever the next inevitable wave hits. One commenter suggested creating a scene in your head, somewhere peaceful where your mind always feels at rest, and placing yourself there instead of letting your fears ramp up and throw you back into shock. For me, that’s sitting at the base of a mountain in my hometown, looking up at the starlit sky, listening to my favorite Springsteen album—it works.

Anxiety isn’t the only gift mental illness has chucked in my direction, though. Among those other gifts are OCD and ADHD, with a bit of depression sprinkled on top. Reddit has helped with those, too. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one whose spine shivers whenever someone turns the volume to a number that my brain says is bad, or spends 10 hours learning about a fascinating new topic only to forget it all when I try to mention it in conversation, or the sinking feeling that I’m actually a moron when I realize I didn’t retain any of that research. Scrolling through Reddit is nowhere near a fix for the wild mechanics of my brain, but there’s strength in numbers, and there’s always someone online you can chat with when you’re feeling low.

In early October while I was at the gym, I got an incredibly sweet text from my girlfriend telling me all the things she adored about me. The appropriate response would have been “Oh my gosh this is so sweet, you’re a gem.” Instead, anxiety crept up again, telling me I didn’t deserve to hear that, and that pain in my chest and tingle down my arm struck. As I tried to catch my breath, I reminded myself of the advice I found on Reddit: no matter what, every panic attack feels like the first, and feels like this may actually be the real deal, but that doesn’t make it so. As I told myself that all those strangers on the Internet who shared my struggles got through it every time, I could breathe again. I was myself again.

Note: While these subreddits are useful for seeking comfort and reassurance, they’re not a substitute for a professional diagnosis and treatment. 

In the News:

How to Make Your Social Media Feeds About More Than Just Your Boring Friends (Gizmodo): As nice as it is to see what my friends are up to, changing up the feed always makes checking Instagram less of a chore and more of a little adventure. I like following fellow plant and dog parents, sprinkled with a little bit of Astrology humor and some funny illustrations to keep my day colorful. Following different topics and focused accounts like gnarlyastrology or crazyheadcomics can make your social media scrolls more exciting and bring a fresh perspective to a feed that’s become repetitive. I mean do you really need to see every time your ex posts a sad meme because they’re having second thoughts? No. Just look at a cute cat picture instead.

What I Learned When I Lost 50 Pounds (GQ): Since I first dropped 60 pounds in 2016, I’ve struggled with having a healthy relationship with food and fitness. Between persistently low self-esteem and medications that make even eating the bare minimum a chore, it’s hard to know when I’m giving myself enough, and when I’m going too far. The best fix, as this piece points out, is to define your relationship with food and exercise on healthy terms that go beyond a particular clothing size or magic number on the scale. It’s about what makes you feel good while keeping you in good health, physically and mentally.

How the Drafts App Makes Me More Productive (Wirecutter): Okay, so a quick shameless plug for a review I wrote of one of my favorite apps, Drafts. I have a pretty severe case of ADHD, and anybody who knows me will tell you how frustrating it is when I lose my train of thought mid-sentence and I have to ask them where I left off. Drafts doesn’t fix that spaciness, but it does act as a repository for every thought I may need to refer back to later, and it makes sending that information off to the right place a breeze.

Something Nice:

Monster Factory: Monster Mania: Earlier this year I tried to get into watching WWE, but we’re simply incompatible. I cannot get enough of this video, though. Monster Factory, if you’re not familiar, is a video series on Polygon in which Justin and Griffin McElroy make the most horrendous, hilarious characters in games with custom character builders. It’s resulted in some of my favorite videos, like Final Pam and, of course, Second Life Second Chances. Monster Mania pits all those wild characters against each other, WWE-style, and it’s a guaranteed laugh. Plus, you don’t have to spend a second looking at Shane McMahon.

As always, if you have any questions, feedback, or just want to say hello, feel free to drop me a line on Twitter.

My thanks to Medea Giordano for editing this issue.