Finding the Headspace to Breathe

For my second grade science fair project, I decided I wanted to make a volcano. I wasn’t alone, obviously, so mine had to be better. I thought a volcano that erupted slime would be impressive, but could get messy. So I asked my tata if he’d help me make my volcano out of cement, thinking the result would appear more realistic.

“Moving that’s gonna be tricky!” he protested. But after flashing a classic lip quiver, he relented and we got to work. We poured a comically large amount of cement into a wooden mold, as I drowned out my tata’s warnings that I had no idea what I was getting myself into. A day later we ventured outside to grab the volcano and pack it into the back of my mom’s SUV. “Go on, give it a shot, you can do it,” he told me as my nana chuckled from inside. After struggling to get even a wiggle from the volcano, I ambled inside with my head held down. My nana pulled me into her arms.  “That’s okay mijito, give it time and you’ll be able to lift it no problem.”

That’s how my grandparents were—even when I fell short, they made me feel unstoppable. Losing my tata a few days before Christmas, and my nana two months later, has made getting through the day without breaking down pretty hard—that unstoppable feeling seemed to leave with them

No matter how many deaths you see on TV, or friends you’ve consoled, I don’t think you can prepare for the unrelenting grief that follows the death of someone you love. At times over the past few months, I couldn’t eat or sleep. Plus, I live hundreds of miles away from my family, so it felt like I was doing this alone. I’ve tried using the coping mechanisms I learned while volunteering at a children’s bereavement center and in therapy, like music, writing, and working out, but nothing has really worked.

Just a week before my tata's passing, I had gotten myself a subscription to Headspace for my birthday. I was still taking their Basics course, but while I was browsing through everything else the service had to offer I found a multi-unit course on grieving. I threw on my headphones.

In the midst of attempting to process my grief, I’ve been hit by waves of somewhat random, thoroughly crushing realizations. My tata never got to see my name printed in one of my favorite magazines because he had lost his sight. I’d never get frustrated with him for sneaking my dog too many table scraps on Thanksgiving again. My nana would never get to go on that cruise she was always talking about. We’d never get to say “I’m sorry” to each other again.

The beauty of Headspace’s course was that it wasn’t trying to provide some impossible cure to my mourning or bestow profound wisdom that would make me stop having these realizations. It was just there to say “We get it, we know this sucks, but that’s okay because you’re going to get through it.” Depending on the day, the course’s narrator will tell me that I’m not alone, or that it’s okay to feel lost and sad and angry, or that every overwhelming feeling will come to pass. For the first time since waking up to the phone call that my Tata was dead, I could breathe.

Headspace hasn’t entirely alleviated the emptiness I’ve felt since my nana and tata died, but what could? But it’s given me the room, every day for ten minutes, to reflect and process everything I’m feeling. And it’s always in my pocket, ready to keep me company whenever I’m missing two of my biggest cheerleaders.

In the News

Do Not Disturb: How I Ditched My Phone and Unbroke My Brain: It’s crucial that we keep evaluating our relationships with our devices and nix the unhealthy habits. The issue may be trickier than just using your phone less, but putting rubber bands around your phone and locking it in a safe seems drastic to me. For notifications, I’ve suggested slowly cutting out the things that cause you anxiety or stress, or sink up too much of your time, and the same can hold true for your apps and overall phone usage. No need to go out and buy a safe just to stay away from Twitter.

Why Apple’s Notification Bubbles Are so Stressful: I can’t stand red bubbles. They’re great for grabbing your attention, but the anxiety they end up causing isn’t worth it just to get another news alert. Android’s solution of using lighter shades of the app’s icon color is pleasant and effective, but until Apple sees the light, just turn off those little things, you’ll be better for it.

Something Nice

A quick beginner’s guide to drawing: My tata was an incredible artist. I never got the chance to learn from him, but I’ve been sketching more since he passed and this article is a great place to get started. If drawing isn’t your thing, maybe take a few minutes this week to read a guide about a new skill you’ve been trying to pick up. T

As always, if you have any questions, feedback, or just want to say hello, feel free to drop me a line on Twitter.

My thanks to Daniel Varghese for editing this issue.

Rest In Peace Delia and Howard Wootan